Christmas Sunday Obligation to Attend Mass Abrogated

(Zeeeeenit)  In a move that surprises no one, the United States Conference of Clandestine Catholic Bishops (USCCCB) has determined that since Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, members of the Catholic Church do not have to attend Mass on that day.

For the past several years, the USCCCB has abrogated, or eliminated, the obligation to attend Mass on Holy Days when that Holy Day falls on either a Saturday or a Monday.  In the case of the Feast of the Ascension, or Ascension Thursday, observance of that Holy Day has been moved to the following Sunday in most diocese in the United States.  Some say that the elimination of the obligation to attend Mass on Christmas when it falls on a Sunday is just the next logical step for American Catholics.

Our source for this story, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, stated that this would open up the opportunities for Catholics everywhere to enjoy the day more, without having to get dressed up and leave all the presents behind for a while.

"Christmas is a busy day," our source said, "and there are a lot of things to do that day, like opening presents, watching football games, and going to movies which open on Christmas Day.  Think of the kitchen fires which could be avoided by keeping the whole family home while Christmas dinner is cooking.

"We at the USCCCB are making this decision for the good of the Church; I mean, heaven forbid you should have to go to Church more than once a week!"

We are trying to verify this story.  Due to the immediate ramifications of this pronouncement, we decided to go ahead and publish it beforehand without verification.  The only source we have discovered which refers to this issue is at this website.

The Holy Days of Obligation as observed in the United States are:

• Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God
• Ascension 
• Assumption of the Blessed Virgin Mary 
• All Saints' Day 
• Feast of the Immaculate Conception
• Christmas

For those of you who have read this far, of course this just a joke.  There is no USCCCB as far as I know, and yes, you do have to go to Mass this Sunday.  Merry Christmas!

Wood Chips, Smoke, Diesel, and Sweat

Add to that a little bit of incense.

Happy and Blessed Easter!

Jesus is Risen!

He is Risen Indeed!

Now that I have celebrated the Resurrection of Our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I can tell some of the adventures over the past weeks of dadwithnoisykids, and explain the title of this blog entry.

On March 14-16, I went on a retreat of sorts with three of the boy Noisykids. I call it a 'retreat of sorts' because the weekend was more of a service retreat than a spiritual retreat. Still, God works in mysterious ways, and a memorable weekend doing cool boy stuff at a monastery could be the beginnings of a call to the priesthood or religious life.

I still recall participating in a Eucharistic Procession in Visp, Switzerland back in 1973. I think it was the first procession I ever was in. Of course, I recall that as a wonderful experience which certainly did not lead to a religious vocation - unless you consider being the head of a domestic church a religious vocation.

We went to Our Lady of the Annunciation Monastery of Clear Creek by Hulbert, Oklahoma. We went to see how the monks live, and to contribute some of our time as service to the monastery. We were part of a group of fathers and sons from our local home school group who traveled from the Dallas area, and the monk in charge of the property told us to bring tools for clearing brush. We spent Saturday clearing brush, piling it in big piles, and setting it on fire. Hog heaven for boys and men alike! I went to bed smelling of wood chips, smoke, diesel, and sweat.

We worked on a wooded slope, turning it into a smooth area to be seeded to make it pasture. We left some of the larger and healthier trees to give it some cover. It reminded me of a book I read about forests, fires and slopes - especially slopes where the fire outran the firefighters.

Young Men and Fire is a book by Norman MacLean about the Mann Gulch Fire in Helena National Forest, Montana. But I don't want to talk about THAT book right now; someday I shall review it.

No, on this retreat weekend, I took the Rule of St. Benedict with me. The Rule of St. Benedict is a list of rules drawn up by the saint on how to run a monastery. It included sections on the characteristics of an abbot(the head of the abbey), material needs of the monks(including a knife), discipline, and rules for when to say the various prayers that fill the day. Along the way, St. Benedict includes good advice for getting along with our peers or superiors - even for those who live in the world.

On Saturday night, we joined the monks for dinner. The dinner began with a tradition which is extended to all guests of the monastery: the abbot, or in this case, the prior, washes the hands of the guests before the meal. I had just read that in the Rule of St. Benedict!

I was also warned that the meal would be very,very brief.

After washing our hands, dinner began with a prayer(Latin) and a reading from the Rule of St. Benedict. Once again, I had just read the chapter on the care for sick monks. After the reading, we sat, and as the monk who was doing the reading began a sermon from Pope Benedict XVI(from L'Osservatore Romano), dinner began.

The first course was a soup which I thought had lentils in it, but my sons told me later there were pieces of potato in it. I guess I did not stir it enough before trying it. Along with the soup we got whole wheat bread - rather plain, but still very good. I love wheat bread.

The second course was a large omelet rolled up and smothered with BARBECUE SAUCE! Now, for a transplanted Texan, everything goes better with either barbecue sauce or salsa. But I couldn't imagine what the predominantly French monks must have thought of the combination. It was delicious.

Dessert consisted of rice pudding and prunes. Yes, I ate prunes.

All of the food was good, and if I were inclined I could have eaten more. As I drank some of the water poured for me by the guest sitting across from me, I suddenly realized what all the banging and clattering was that started with the beginning of the meal. The monks had metal plates, and were eating faster than we were - only they were not enjoying the same three courses that we had. As I finished my prunes, I realized that the monks seemed to be wiping their plates clean. After dinner grace was chanted in Latin, and we were escorted out of the refectory. As we left, my sons saw some monks sitting back down to eat. I explained to them that those were the monks who served while the rest were at table, and I told them how St. Benedict's rule stipulated that the reader during meals was to drink some dilute wine before dinner to sustain him.

One of the priests showed us around parts of the monastery, and showed us the model for completed monastery. It was sitting on the floor, and I almost backed up and stepped on it. Perhaps my boot heel mark would have been incorporated into the final design of the church.

The Masses - Low and High

Saving the best for last, I must describe the Mass. On Saturday morning, we attended the Low Mass - all 8 of them. With six side altars, and two altars in the Crypt Chapel(the rest of the church is still under construction), the monks split up and celebrated Mass at all of these locations. Beautiful. Mass was in Latin, and I followed along in the Mass books which were provided. There were some times when I was not sure what to do, such as when the priest to my immediate left elevated the Precious Body while the priest at the main altar was still saying the prayers of consecration. I ended up acknowledging Our Lord each time He was elevated.

Palm Sunday High Mass was 2.5 hours long - something to consider when bringing the whole Noisykid gang to the monastery. Even I, stoic dadwithnoisykids, was whining around the end of Mass. But it was a beautiful Mass, complete with the Passion of Our Lord chanted in Latin. Once again, the books provided by the monks helped those of us who 'no habla Latin' to follow.

I could go on describing the good time we had on this weekend - the prayers of the Liturgy of the Hours were wonderful - but your time would be better served looking at the website they have. I hope to take the whole family up to Our Lady of the Annunciation Monastery of Clear Creek soon, and I recommend it to you, also.

I wrote a note to the Prior, and I mentioned that I hope that this weekend started the seed of a religious vocation. I figure that God used a burning bush to call Moses, so perhaps a pile of brush burning in the hills of Oklahoma may have the same effect on some of my children.

Now, lets see what I got in my Easter basket:

Peaceful Protest by Aquatic Animals

I returned from an errand this afternoon and found these aquatic animals protesting the video which I put on my blog on this day.

This group calls itself S.Q.U.I.D.,

SOCIETY

QUELLING

UNDERWATER

INTENTIONAL

DEFAMATION

They were insulted by the video which shows a manatee running nose-first into a window in an aquarium, followed by malicious laughter by the human observers.

Their spokesman, Ekyu Manatee, decried the exploitation of aquatic beings for the entertainment of human beings.

"For trillions of years, human beings have exploited my aquatic brothers and sisters in aquariums everywhere. It is just another example of the Vatican conspiracies."

Ekyu Manatee, spokesmanatee

I have been ordered to take time to attend sensitivity training classes, as well as listen to John Denver songs incessantly, and memorize the poem 'Whales Weep Not' by D.H. Lawrence.

I refused, so I may be banned from the blogosphere.

Dangerous Trend at Magnum Opus

We have been monitoring the activities of a blog, one 'Magnum Opus' based in Michigan, for some time now. We are alarmed at the projected growth of a collection of chicks that were acquired by the author of this blog. The purpose for chickens was to to raise them to lay eggs, but we suspect something else is going on here.

By the way, magnum opus is Latin for 'big penguin,' in reference to the penguin 'Opus' in the old comic 'Bloom County.'

Note the first picture, when the chicks were very young - and cute.

Notice how they have grown over the past few weeks. The photograph below has not been doctored as far as our lab can tell.

Using the statistical tool of EXTRAPOLATION, where one makes accurate predictions based on the trend of information, or data points, leading up to where you have no idea what happens next(people do this all the time when they double all the ingredients in a recipe), we are terrified of what we project will be the end result of these chickens when they reach maturity.

The photograph below suggests that the end-stage of the growth curve of these chickens will put them in the 'greater than 99%' range for height and weight.

Chickens in this size classification are not very good for eating, lay fewer eggs, and tend to eat women in mini skirts.

I have personally attempted to contact the blogger at Magnum Opus, but they have been strangely quiet over the past few days.

I am surprised that this blog has not reported this as another incident of genetic engineering gone terribly wrong.

Scorpions Hold Protest, Concert Breaks Out

Protesting scorpions hold a sit-in on a box of Honey Nut Cheerios to protest the 'scorpiophagia' which they witnessed on the internet last night.









Violence erupted yesterday after the scorpions witnessed a brutal act of scorpiophagia, or scorpion eating, which they found on the internet last night. There were reports of riots in North Texas at this time. For a while, internet access was down at this location, so that is why this story is being sent late. Fortunately, the rumors of riots were incorrect.

“It is not enough that you want to tread on our defenseless bodies. Now you want to eat us.” This was the terse statement of the organization SAINT - Scorpions and Insects of North Texas – that was released shortly after 10 p.m. Central Standard Time.

The hedgehogs could not be reached for comment. They are attending a conference in Austin this weekend titled, ‘Living with Arthropods – Fulfilling the Dream.’






Comments from the crowd:


"I am so angry to hear that I was not invited to attend the conference with my colleagues! I promise that hedgehogs will roll! I am going to go and write a memorandum! A meeting will be scheduled!"










The scorpions allege that the video shows a man known as David Letterman eating a combination of cucumber slice and scorpion, along with some other unidentified substances. See the disgusting clip here.






A rabbit at the sit-in was heard to say that the scorpions have a point. "I wouldn't want to see someone eat rabbit stew. We have to see this incident from their perspective."













After a few shouted slogans, the scorpions were asked to sing a few songs. What followed was an hour of crowd-pleasing favorites, sung in Barber Shop Quartet style. A collection was taken at the end of the impromptu concert, and the crowd dispersed peacefully.

"I haven't heard such a good rendition of 'Free Bird' since I attended a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert in the 1970's," said Miss Pig, "tell my fans that I will be making another blog appearance later this week!"

Miss Pig has collaborated with Mr. Dadwithnoisykids on several occasions, especially when the subject has been odd things that happen at Mass. See them here and here.




























.

Scorpion-Hedgehog controversy heats up - literally

I had to send this via my cell phone PDA because someone is using the computer to Christmas shop.

Dear Readers:

Below are two notes sent to me by the parties involved in last week's scuffle during evening prayers:

Dear Mr. Dadwithnoisykids:

We scorpions are intellectuals, and while reading poetry to the noisykids to lullabize them to sleep, we discovered this note, which reflects the true opinion of hedgehogs through the ages:

You spotted snakes with double tongue,
Thorny hedge-hogs, be not seen;
Newts, and blind-worms, do no wrong;
Come not near our fairy queen.

From Shakespeare's A Midsummer Night's Dream

It is obvious hedgehogs have always been nuisances.

Your friend,

Mr. Scorpion

Mr. Hedgehog replies:

Dear Mr. Dadwithnoisykids:
Thank you for the opportunity to reply to Mr. Scorpion's letter. I am pleased to see that Mr. Scorpion has found my favorite reference to hedgehogs in one of my favorite Shakespeare comedies. What amazes me more is that Mr. Scorpion can read.

Here are two famous quotes regarding hedgehogs which indicate the esteem that we hedgehogs receive:

The fox knows many things - the hedgehog one big one.

From Archilochus

and....

Sir Isaiah Berlin's commentary on Archilochus:

There exists a great chasm between those, on the one side, who relate everything to a single central vision...and, on the other side, those who pursue many ends, often unrelated and even contradictory...the first kind of intellectual and artistic personality belongs to the hedgehogs, the second to the foxes.

Intellectual and artistic personality are synonymous with hedgehog.

With warmest regards,

Mr. Hedgehog

Motivational Entry #1 - Inspirational

The Roman Sacristan tapped me to make a motivational poster for a contest The Lapped Catholic is having. Here is the first entry:




"Every day, without fail, I shall pray for the Pope, my bishop, my parishioners, my parents, and for my fidelity to my vocation."

Mrs. Dadwithnoisykids came up with some better ones....stay tuned!

More Evidence of a Conspiracy of Conspirators

This is a conspiracy of Conspiratorial Conspirators.

This is the Crest of Pope Benedict XVI.

Note the character in the upper left of the shield. This is known as the Moor, which has some significance to the Pope because of his former position as a bishop in Germany.








But some see it as a hidden symbol of this character instead:






The similarities are uncanny. Just take away the crown and earring.










If you flip the picture around to look at the crest, it becomes even more obvious that it is not the Moor, but rather the Hedgehog, that is represented in the Pope's crest.

























More evidence of the Conspiracy noted before, and the recent confrontations during evening prayers. The evidence shown here would suggest that the hedgehog is not just a pious little creature, but rather a cog in the wheels of the vast right-wing/drumstick/thigh conspiracy.

SCORPION VIOLENT REACTION TO BREVIARY

Religious Intolerance Cuts Both Ways?

Violence erupted earlier this week in North Texas after a hedgehog was overheard reading from a Catholic breviary, or holy book of prayers. Apparently, a scorpion took offense to one of the Bible readings that are part of the Divine Office. The Divine Office is the group of prayers said daily by priests as part of their religious vows. While Catholics who are not priests or nuns - referred to as 'lay' persons in the Church hierarchy - are not required to read the Divine Office, many choose to do so as part of their personal prayer.





A Mr. Hedgehog was reading prayers aloud when a passing scorpion took offense.








Mr. Hedgehog - file photo.




"I was reading evening prayers, and read from the Gospel of Luke, Chapter 10, Verse 19, which starts with,

'Behold, I have given you authority to tread upon serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy; and nothing shall hurt you.'

"The next thing I know, some scorpion is trying to sting me and push me off the book. I will have you know that we hedgehogs do not take too kindly to such behavior, and thankfully my prickles protected me from his stinger."

Violence spread as more scorpions heard of the species intolerance read aloud by the hedgehog.



"If it were a duck, or a hedgehog that Luke had written about, I assure you the words would have been changed to keep from exhibiting xenophobic tendencies," said Mr. Scorpion, a spokesman for the Scorpion And Insects of North Texas(SAINT) office. "We have studied the gospels, and have found them to be a literary work resplendent with the glorious interaction of God and Scorpion. Jesus even mentions in one of the gospels how it is far more desirable to receive a gift scorpion instead of a raw egg."











Mr. Scorpion - file photo.



"Mr. Scorpion is right," said a department chairman of a theology department of a Catholic University where the one-act play, The Elbow Soliloquies, has been playing to packed audiences for the past several years. "Luke is so passe. We need to get rid of this outdated concept of good and evil. We need to live and let live. Like so much else in the church, its teachings are old-fashioned, especially as we are growing in our understanding of the universe. Scorpions are good creatures; they are much more in tune with the environment and the natural rhythm of the earth than we are.

"We all could become fully and better human beings if we channeled our inner scorpion," said this famous theologian.

Meanwhile in North Texas, a group of scorpions vandalized the gift shop, overturning the basin that collects the water that some believe is miraculously flowing from a 15-passenger van owned by a Mr. Dadwithnoisykids. The curator of the gift shop, one Mr. Moose, was astonished by this turn of events. “We had just gotten a new shipment of the Roman Sacristan Game, T-Shirts, and the Roman Sacristan Monopoly Game, and a new soft drink, Roman Up! Now it is all ruined.”


“I don’t know how I am going to pay for this mess,” he said.















Mr. Moose - file photo.










Late this evening, there was another confrontation between Mr. Hedgehog and several scorpions. The scorpions tried to break up evening prayers by shouting down the lone hedgehog.









Several other animals came to the aid of the hedgehog, and there was a heated exchange between the two groups.











Violence was barely avoided as the scorpions, a duck, a crab, and a moose faced each other.





Fortunately, violence did not break out, and the prayers continued. The scorpions dispersed after joining claws and singing 'Give Peas a Chance."







"Give Peas a Chance!"








“We had an exchange of real words, which I see as the beginning of a dialogue regarding this touchy subject of scorpions and their role in the world,” Mr. Hedgehog said afterwards, “It gives me hope that we can reach a peaceful understanding of our differences, and grow in greater love for God and for truth.”







Mr. Hedgehog discusses the issues with our reporter.








“If he weren’t covered with prickles, he would look like a pin cushion right now,” was the only comment from the scorpions.

As further developments become known, we will keep you informed.

A Vast Right-Wing/Drumstick/Thigh Conspiracy

My wife just got home from shopping, and she got some fried chicken from a local place, and they make good chicken. Something struck me about the name, though, and so I went to work on some pictures I have of Pope Benedict XVI. Something seemed suspicious.



Within a few seconds, it hit me like a blow to the belly. It was obviously a vast radical Catholic conspiracy to control the world. Let me present the evidence.

This picture shows the name of the chicken store, Popeye’s. For most of us, Popeye is a cartoon character, a sailor, who is very muscular and gets a boost of strength from eating spinach whenever a crisis arises. He has a long-term relationship with a very skinny girlfriend, and there is a baby involved, although it is not clear whose child it is. But I digress.

Concentrate on the word Popeye’s. Note how the name could be broken into two words: POPE YES. The letters even turn a bit between the ‘e’ and the ‘y,’ making it even more believable.



This is not certain proof, but does corroborate with a picture of Pope Benedict XVI taken immediately after his election to the Papacy. Two things struck us as odd about this picture. Pay close attention to the area around the Pope’s right ear, and the coat of arms on the left side of the Pope’s alb.





Beyond his right ear, we did some technological modifications that are too complex for you common folk to understand, and by removing the darkness and adding in light, we came up with this interesting sight:



It appears that the Pope was using ‘Pope Yes’ brand ketchup or honey right before greeting the people in St. Peter’s Square on that fateful day.



Now direct your attention to the alb. By making the photograph bigger, and the area of concentration smaller, we noticed a certain pattern in the threads that make up the alb in this area.





This appears to be the President of the United States along with his wife. Need I say more? By controlling the fried chicken consumption in the United States, and who knows where else, the Church can influence the outcome of the Electoral College in the upcoming 2006 elections. The logic of this is flawless, and must be broadcast to the world.



You have been warned.

Scorpion Imprisoned!

A Mr. Scorpion, formerly of the Dallas County Scorpions, was arrested in Bexar County over the St. Labor Day Weekend.

Mr. Scorpion was the object of a small massive scorpionhunt covering all of Texas, starting Friday, headed by dadwithnoisykids and Mr. Moose.

More news to follow this week.

Mr. Scorpion, photographed at the Bexar County Jail, wants his side of the story told



a SSD/MetaltrAch Inc. file photo