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Tuesday, July 06, 2010

What I Learned On Vacation

This, by the way, is Post #801 on this blog.

During my week on vacation, a few lessons were hammered into my head. Read and learn from my experience:

1. Spilling Chardonnay on an Apple iMac notebook will kill the laptop computer - especially if the brand of chardonnay is named 'Die Apfeldammerung.'

2. Children who are taught to play 'Blackjack' will substitute matchbox cars for the pennies you used when you taught them.

3. Fireworks called 'Explodo' will do just that.

4. A shotgun called 'Persuader,' and is commonly referred to as a 'streetsweeper' is not effective for shooting skeet.

5. My children take after their mother - they are fearless of heights and other dangerous things in a two story house.

6. A 17-month old toddler can make beautiful music while crawling on the piano keys.

7. By the grace of God, Carolyn and I celebrated 21 years of married life last week. I am still amazed - and thankful - that she married me in the first place, and thank her for that fact every day.

8. God brought rain to north Texas last week to keep me from doing outside work.

9. I make an awesome slide show if I do say so myself.

10. I discovered a new and totally morally acceptable form of ART (assisted reproductive technology) which I plan on implementing soon, very soon. Bear with me.

Consider that, using the motto of the Benedictine Order (Ora et Labora - Prayer and Work for those of you who slept through Latin class), one can not just pray for something when there is a need to be met. In the process of begging God for another child, there are some things which can be done to increase the chances of having more. There are some good examples of this which we have seen even among our friends and relations. One example is buying a subcompact car immediately after getting married; this usually results in the mother having twins, or at least a lot of children in rapid succession. Another is signing a mortgage for a house of ANY size; scientific studies have shown that this increases the fertility of the woman by a factor of one thousand. I am sorry but I cannot remember the reference for this last statement, but I know it is true so you can believe it.

All of these therapies work with the younger couples, but the older couples are not without some means of increasing fertility without resorting to methods best described as 'animal husbandry.' For the middle-aged parents, there is one thing which is sure to work:

A sports car.

A sports car for Daddy.

Ford Mustang

V-8 Engine.


Manual transmission

Stereo speakers everywhere.

Room for my wife and I in front, and two car seats for the twins in back.

I know this will be a sacrifice, but I am willing to make it for the family. As always, I am only thinking about what is best for the family.


dadwithnoisykids said...

Ha Ha!!!!!!! You are funny dear. DREAMER!!!! Remember this, life would be so boring without dreams, so DREAM ON BABY!!! Love you!!!!

Anonymous said...

Taking one for the team, eh? How honorable!

MightyMom said...

I've got the scientific evidence for that second fertility method!

Nov 02 after "trying" for 2 years to conceive we give up, start looking into adoption and close on our first home. 3 bedrooms, 1300 square feet. Nov 03 Child is born....March 05 Child is born....March 07 Child is born....

we're afraid if we get a bigger house I"ll get pregnant again.....

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